doors

after a while. doors become broken, they fall off the hinges, they get holes in them, the lock stops locking. they become beyond repair. and maybe they were like this to begin with, but we just put some oil on the hinge and we kept walking through it. temporary fixes that we thought would last us forever. people always say that when one door closes another one opens. but what happens when the door doesn’t close? it just starts to fall apart but you still have the key. should you keep opening it? should you keep putting oil on the hinge and duck tape in the holes and stick with it?

i was thinking about relationships like this. a broken door and a new door, as opposed to a closed and open one. because i am not sure that all doors always close on their own, nor do they automatically open when one closes. choice is the thing. you need to choose to close it and to open another. sometimes they just start to get a few breaks in them but they’re still cracked and we still have a key. so we just fix it and keep with it. we don’t want to let it go.

one day, i stopped fixing the door. i realized that the more i fixed it, the more oil i put in the hinges, the more i covered it in duck tape, the worse it got. and i was devastated because it was my favorite door. my obsession with this door that had run its course caused me to miss all of the other shiny new doors that fit me better, that were willing to take me to andromeda. but i wanted my door. i wanted to open it and relive all of the beautiful memories. letting go of things that you used to love is hard, not knowing what you will find behind another door is scary. and so many of us choose to repair our old one, far past it’s expiration date, instead of letting go and accepting that it’s not taking you anywhere anymore. it’s not transporting you to the realm of elation that it once did. but the pure memory of this is what you hold on to.

I finally let it go. i realized that it wasn’t helping, not taking me anywhere new anymore. everytime i opened it, i saw the same things. i felt sad. i felt like i was selling myself short. undervaluing myself.

so i found a new door. this one has gold trims and a shiny new door knob. this door, helps me fix it when it starts to break. this door takes me to andromeda and galaxies i never even knew existed. so i open this door and i walk through it and into him. and i wonder how many galaxies our love had existed in.

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