my whole life i’ve been told who to be and how to be and what to do. i’ve searched for this in everything i did. for the past two years i was completing a masters degree and for my whole life up until now  i have been in the education system, going through the fucking motions. i have always been close to myself so i always expressed myself but at some point it got less and less genuine. i began to conform, to sooooooooooo many things. and it had me feeling horrible. literally suicidal. for so long. and then i discovered a lil freedom when i went to college and i started being left completely alone to make decisions. and at 17 i hadn’t really made many conscious legitimate decisions. i started getting more and more connected to myself and started exploring options etc. but was still conforming to many things. particularly to who i thought i had to be around my friends/the person i loved. my lifetime of self-consciousness and doubt had translated to every aspect of my life. it was after my deepest heartbreak that i was broken open. i completely isolated myself from everyone, unintentionally. to my person it was unintentional but the soul knows why you do things when you don’t. this was the first time i had ever allowed myself to experience a true solitude, without fear and with every intention of liberation. my soul started to flow out of me the deeper i got. there is much depth within me, i feel that i know so much. it feels as though my wisdom exceeds me but how could something that is a part of me, exceed me? i am wise. i feel closer to myself everyday. i am the thing i want most in this world. i want to know myself, to “free” myself from the cage which i have locked myself in for so long. i am alive. and because i am alive, i feel sad. my venture into solitude and into myself has been long but i have finally healed myself from my first wound of love and i am ready to love again. i am ready to know myself through the eyes of another because i now know myslef through my own. worship the gods if u must but first know thy self. i trust that my love will be deep and passionate and full of clarity. solitude has begun to turn into loneliness. but i have endured it, and i have taken every lesson and made myself stronger. i am strong because i have been weak, and discovered that the difference between weakness and strength is the workouts. the action, the amount of times that you work at whatever it is that you want to strengthen. and in doinf this, you strengthen your mind and you re-structure and create “neural pathways” little bridges between different parts of ur brain that connect to eachother and send messages. changes the way we think, act,  do, speak, etc. only we can change ourselves, by going into the crevices of our mind, conquering our fear of the dark (hoping that the monsters aren’t real slash know that if they are real you’ll kick their monster asses bc u can handle anything) until we find the light. there is nothing that can affect me in a way i do not want it to because i control how i react and how i think about something. okay i don’t even know what i’m writing about anymore but there’s my life story enjoi.

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