journal entry #69

i’ve just seen the age of innocence and i can now add this to my list of favorite films. i am deeply moved by intimacy. in this movie and in portrait of a lady on fire (which is also a fav) the entire theme seemed to be intimacy. it seemed as tho the entire film was built on the premise of it, which is so different from the films made now. with sex scenes being more arousing than intimate. when i try to explain to others when i am deeply moved by something, like this movie for example, i find myself having to resort to shallow descriptions, a high pitched voice and a light laugh. for when i truly express the depth with which my thoughts compel themselves, i’m brushed off in the subtlest of ways. subtle to the brusher not to the brushed.

i have become a sink hole. a deep and endless hole in the ground that sucks everything in and consumes. i feel that when i open my mouth to speak with fervor, i scare people. not scare like chuckie but scare as in confuse? take by surprise? throw off guard? reactively, they pick up the shovel and throw some sand in. i feel as though people try to conceal me, to brush me off. and over the years i have begun to brush myself off. i have thrown sand in. but i dream that one day i will meet another sinkhole. and we will consume eachother in depth and love. then i will truly be free to discuss the fervor of the abyss. the films i love and why i love them. i will be able to voice my mind without question or judgement, fear or concealment. i will not be pushed away, rather embraced and pulled in by strong arms and a stronger soul. we will consume eachother in understanding and love so deep, we will give birth to worlds that have never even been thought of.

the thought of this makes me happy.

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