a control freak who released control and gained everything: the natasha diaries

natasha diaries: April 2020

why do i become obsessed with people? forget how to think of anything other than them. Why can’t i see you outside of my mind? why do we have to hide in here all the time? it’s stuffy and crammed and i don’t like it. i want to meet you out there- feel your fingers in my hair. why do i become obsessed with people? i look at them for too long and then i never want to look away. unless they look back at me of course. then i run for the hills to hide in the shadow of what i just can’t kill. is that how it works? do we kill the shadows or do the shadows kill us?

why do i become obsessed with people? because i attach myself to them. and then i  see them as an extension of me. and when they leave, i leave. and it doesn’t make sense why i would ever leave me. i become obsessed with people because they mirror myself, i see myself in them and because i have seen myself i fear. i fear of the endless beauty that may come and the towering shadows i would stand under. im scared of the depths of emotion and despair and how everything surrounding it is a ledge that im constantly at the edge of. i know that we never truly “lose control” bc we never had it to begin with, but i know it makes us feel safe to think we’re in control and when something threatens that, it shakes the entire foundation. im just scared that you’ll be scared of all the same things as me and then you’ll have to face them. and i don’t even know if anyone has ever told you that you can.

a control freak who’s released control yet somehow gained control of everything. i have begun to feel trust. i have begun to feel REAL ACTUAL trust being built inside of my very bones. i have begun to feel trust for this life. and the world. and other people. and it’s all because i gained trust in myself. i trust myself because i have learned to let go. i have learned that we must let go of everything in our lives. the things we love, the things we hate, the things that we find tolerable; they must all go at some point. life ends in death. and this is no secret. but what is it truly, that dies? if we are all that is and all that will ever be? what dies? do we come back as peaceful bunnies? or are we mere thought? do we continue to exist as long as we are remembered? is this why humanity has turned such a focus on capturing and sharing every single moment as many times as possible to as many people as possible? are we all just trying to find the fountain of youth? live 4ev3r? are you as afraid to die as me? i used to want to die a lot. i thought about it a lot. it was my greatest desire yet my greatest fear. i would never do it. i was too afraid of what would happened if i died. get it? because i really wanted to live. i was too afraid to live yet to afraid to leave. my relationship with death has changed because i respect it more now. ever since there has been life, there has been death. the most loyal truth we know is that we will die. we don’t know how or when or even why but we will. this is the truth. now, life is a lot smoother if we create the courage and the confidence to look the truth in the eyes and be cool. rather than averting our gaze every time we are grazed with the truth of ourselves or our lives. fear breads cowardice, and vice versa. the reason i never jump off the ledge for real is because i like the ledge. the ledge makes me feel like i’m in control. but stepping off the ledge into either side is when i loose control. when i succumb to anything, i loose control, i die. but on the ledge, i am free. free to dance between realities, rarely coming down. i am in control because i have accepted that life is the ledge, it is the train not the station. it is complete improv and it is real and new and challenging and learnABLE. life is doable. it isn’t that hard if you don’t make it. it can be the most beautiful thing you’ve ever dreamed of, but you have to make it that. you can’t just sit around thinking that only one thing is true and this life has already been decided for you. at any moment, there are infinite variabilities/realities/possibilities occuring until you make a decision. we must learn ourselves so we can understand ourselves. adjust and grow confident in who you are and who you will teach yourself to be. once you know who you are, you can either trust or not trust yourself. if you don’t trust yourself, find out why and fix it. get rid of anything that you need too in order to trust yourself, to like yourself. nothing can compare to the endless joy that is felt when their is harmony within the being. when you never feel alone because you have you. that is what we’re all chasing at the end of the day. so if all along, you know that you’re going to die… why would you settle for mediocre truths for your life? why do so many things get buried in the graveyard trapped in our limp lifeless bodies? release your fear and accept the only thing you can trust. once you accept the enemy within, the enemy outside can do no harm.

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