Drowning in the shallow end

around the time when i was in middle school, my mom, my babysitter and I went to Wet n’ Wild. This water park in Orlando.We were in the wave pool and my mom was lying under the water and she started to drown in about 3 ft of water. She was drowning in the shallow end. Today, I had the realization that this drowning in the shallow end felt like a metaphor for my life. I’ve risen out of a place of constant drowning, drowning in the melancholic act of the day to day. drowning in the monotony of the world through society’s one-sided, superficial lens. Never feeling like i belonged like my mind was misplaced amidst a sea of rocks, like in that episode of spongebob where patrick loses his cone head in a field of cones. people always look to me for help, advice, motivation, an identity. but i’ve never had anywhere to look. i’ve always felt like all i would ever see in the mirror was the hollow corpse of me staring back.

through contemplation, isolation and introspection i have come to see that i too have been drowning in the shallow end. i thought i was being consumed by the monotony of life, drowning in the depths of it. but i laugh now as i realize that i was drowning in the shallow end. in the kiddie pool. i wasn’t drowning because i was consumed, i was drowning because i wasn’t. because no matter how many times i reached out or was reached out to, i was never touched. i don’t know why i’ve kept myself in the shallow end for so long. i think maybe it was a feeling of hopelessness, of feeling like everything was already planned out for me. as if every moment wasn’t really happening but was already a memory. drowned, suffocated by the want for more, to be consumed, to swim to the depths and find a group of people waiting for me. i am so exhausted of solving everyone elses problems, of being everyone’s sunshine. i look to the sky and it is bleak. but some people look to the sky and see me. how can that be. how can i illuminate anything with the darkness that i see.

but i think that everyone finds their sunshine eventually. if you’re willing to get burned. nothing can light up your life without the risk of being burned silently sitting in the corner.

i’ve always been afraid of who i was. deep deep down. but as i’ve been studying and learning the greatest people who have ever lived i realize that they have been great because they have tried. they have rid themselves of all fear and swam to the deep end, to find that the whole world was already there. waiting for them. life is not a memory, it is happening right now. this moment is real, it is the only thing we have. the past and the future exist only in our minds and in records, books, films, words. but even then, they don’t exist as they were, they now exist as we are. for we are the only ones left to tell it, to keep it alive. i’m not afraid anymore. i want to dive to the depths of life and come back up with all of the gems that have been waiting for me. i want to be honest and authentic and real. i accept life. i accept death. and i accept my mission. find something to live for. and make sure it comes from the darkest, deepest crevice of your soul.

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