How to exist on earth? asking for me.

Radio Stars, Cosmic stars.

I have been traveling in my van

I have been resisting the man

I feel like I come from another realm, seeking balance in this walking hell.

Thank you for helping me see it through, but I find that daily- I just don’t know what to do. I don’t know how you deal with it?? How do you do it, anyway? How do you smile so much? laugh so effortlessly. Dance under the sun and frolic in the flowers with the pure essence of breeze and laughter and love. I have noticed, I can not do many things at once. I can not pretend to be that which I am not. I am nothingness, I am the particles that penetrate the air you breathe. I am the particles that move in and out of your lungs, that flirt with your stomach acid and play in between your lips every time you utter a word. I do not feel that I am anything, and so I want to try everything. I feel that I see rejection in the eyes of others. Yet, it can only be rejection from myself. I have found that I am not fully accepting of myself yet, there are places that need more love. these are the hardest places. we are nearing the end now, not of life but of death. we are resuscitating, bringing back to life. and in doing this, it seems the last few breaths are the most difficult to take. and the initial ones were the smoothest. the last breaths are the deepest, and therefore penetrate deeper and require more effort. not physical effort but emotional and spiritual. it is asking me to go deeper to feel deeper. to be more present, to stretch in public, to dance in the rain in front of people as they sit and stare on. it is asking me to go to the places where there is darkness and bring the light. to this externally we must do it internally first. the internal, is the most difficult because from the internal the external is created. so when we outward focus on shifting the outside, it is always a temporary fix. until we truly look within and shift the narratives from the inside out. mirrors are the most coveted things in this world, along with cameras— which are kind of like mirrors anyways right? but instead of looking in the mirror, seeing what we “don’t like” and challenging it- we accept it and feel that we need to change it to match that thought. instead of changing the thought to match who we truly are, what we truly look like– the true reflection. we try to change the reflection instead of the judgement of the reflection.

in doing this, we are telling the judgment that it is right and the reflection (us) that it is wrong, ugly, dumb, etc. we must be forgiving of ourselves just as much as we are forgiving of others. I forgive people over anything because it is how I feel the world should be. it is also because I want people to forgive me, I give people what I need. I GIVE PEOPLE WHAT I NEED. so when people tell me they can’t understand me, it is very confusing to me. it shows me that you are likely not paying much attention because I am hidden in every detail. every time my hips sway, they tell stories-secrets things I don’t mean to tell, but I also dont try to hide. I love music and I love dancing and I love laughing and I love moving and seeing and breathing. but often, I try to do the opposite– for some reason I have become fearful of the things I love.

have you ever felt this? when it’s people I’m scare that they’ll judge me and when it’s me doing things, I’m afraid that I’ll judge me.

be gentle.

-soi

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